The Red Cups

Alright, so I know I’ve been out for a bit, but let’s be honest, Janz hasn’t been bringing the bullshit like she usually does.  Anyhoo, we had a birthday party for Lu just over a week ago and man, did Janz go OVER…BOARD.  (http://www.tulipandthelma.com/2012/07/03/party-central/) Having her mom make those ridiculous buntings (what the hell is a bunting??  Sounds so dumb, must be French), ordering all kinds of tables and chairs, hiring a fucking band and making sure that everything was PERFECT (and driving me insane in the process).  She spent more time and effort on that party than she did pushing that baby out of her you-know-what (yep, I’ll be in trouble for that comment).  All in all, I will admit that the place looked unbelievable and the party was a success—and Turd had a great time.  I got a bit tipsy, so you know that means a it was good soiree.

But the one thing I take issue with…the red cups.  Janz has been trash-talking me to every chick she knows just because I wanted to buy some red Solo cups for the party.  What’s so wrong with red cups??  They’re simple, they’re cheap, and they’re practical.  Janz about had a meltdown in the middle of Costco when I put the 1200-pack in our oversized mega cart, which was already filled to the brim with $400 of liquor, beer and snacks.  I mean, it’s a 2-year-old’s party, red cups fit right in.  Who gives a shit if the party is pink?  Get. Over. It.

Then she tells me that she spoke to no less than 3327 other women, mostly moms, who were shocked and appalled that I would even suggest red cups…like I’m some kind of sociopath for it.  I asked exactly 3 dudes what their thoughts were on the subject, and I received 1 answer, “Who the hell cares and why are you ruining this game of poker?”  See, my sentiments exactly.  The next party, red cups all around…that and 6 kegs and whatever Swedish bikini team is in town.  But let me make this clear: Turdface is not having a party that big again until she turns 21, mostly because I’ll be paying for this one until then.

ROCK!

Oh sweet, sweet victory.

Cheers, Turd!

Shit, my kid holds her pinkie out when she’s chugging a beer.

Let’s not tell your mom we got the cups anyway.

Screw you, Janz! (Yes, she’s going to kill me.)

It’s cool if a kid just has a couple beers, right?

I WILL DESTROY JANZ’S BLOG.
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Party Pad

I’m back again…I think.  I’ve been waiting for enough ammo to throw into the Janz fire, and now I have plenty.

The little liar let everyone know we moved into our new pad (http://www.tulipandthelma.com/2012/03/08/puddns-place/), and yes, it’s awesome.  But it’s no frat house.  It’s more like a museum because Janz insisted every room be painted bright white.  If you come over, make sure you bring some shades.

In response to the fabricator’s post:

-  Yes, I went out of town a couple days after the move, but it was hardly a vacation…unless, for some ungodly reason, people have decided downtown Detroit in the middle of February is a hot destination.  Woof!  Janz neglected to mention that part.  Plus, I had to go, with the amount of money we’re spending on fixing this place up, someone needs to bring home the bacon.  Lord knows miss “freelance writer” doesn’t write a damn thing except her dumb blog these days.

-  Unpacking the boxes…the reason I told her it didn’t look like she’d done anything is because SHE HADN’T!  We’ve been here for over a month and we still have boxes of knickknacks (God, I even hate that word) in what’s supposed to be our guest bedroom.  And don’t even get me started on the garage…how many cars can we fit in there?  Go ahead, ask.  The answer: none.  None.  I can’t even fit my beach cruiser in there with all the crap Janz is hoarding.  She keeps talking about a garage sale (been hearing that one for 6 months), but I have a better chance of finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

-  The Spa…dudes, if you bought a house with a fantastic 9′x9′ hot tub in the backyard, would you let it sit there growing green slime?  Any self-respecting homeowner would make sure that sucker rocks.  It’s awesome.  If you’re ever in the area, stop by, I’ll give you the Bo Clancey tour (cause Janz’s is boring).  The waterfall is the highlight.

-  Surround sound…gotta have it, plus the speakers in the back.  I have nothing more to say on this subject.

- Beer pong, Irish Spring and The Big Lebowski…Hey, I’m a dude, so I like those things, especially Lebowski.  Get used to it.

Overall, the amount of money I’ve spent was minuscule compared to what Janz spent on the rest of the house.  Did you know she dropped a grand on getting the place feng shui’ed?  What does that even mean?  All I know is now we have water fountains running in almost every room.  I think it’s supposed to be relaxing, but constantly hearing that trickling sound just makes me need to drain the vein.

In closing, don’t believe anything Janz says.  Only I speak the truth.

ROCK!
Dr. Spa

You have to do some push-ups before you hit the hot tub...how you doin'?

Correct military form...Kaboom!!!

At some point, I will fill this entire thing with beer.

Hey, Janz, grab me another brewski.

I WILL DESTROY JANZ’S BLOG.
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Little Miss Sunshine…Or Not

Janz constantly talks about how we (The Brothers Clancey), are constantly picking on her (http://www.tulipandthelma.com/2011/04/alpha-beta-clancey.html). Yes, I’ve been known to be a bit of a bully to my younger brothers, and maybe my friends call me “Turbo Chet” when I drink…an homage to the dickhead older bro (who by the way is awesome) in “Weird Science.” But I’m telling you Janz is the biggest bully of all.

Janz should win an Oscar for playing the role as the victim. That’s riDICulous because the truth is she’s usually the one who’s dishing it out.

Whatever crap we give her is in clear retaliation to something she did to us. Sometimes we have to call in a pre-emptive strike knowing she’s going to come at us with something mean and hateful.

- Usually after Tyler (“the sweet mama’s boy”), tells a story, she tells him he should’ve kept his “stupid story” to himself…not nice.

- She repeatedly calls our Iowa Hawkeye and KC Chiefs jerseys dumb…terribly insensitive.

- She makes Lu wear an “I Love My Gay Uncle T-shirt,” tells Gunnar to hold the baby, then laughs hysterically as she pops off 15 to 20 shots with her camera…inappropriate.

- Then she has the nerve to follow up her insults by snapping her fingers and using MY “booyah”…downright rude.

- It’s not just the brothers either. She goes after our mom and dad as well…the very first time she met my mom (Milsie), she ragged on her for being a horrible English teacher. And when my dad tells a long story, which he has a tendency to do after a few cocktails, she pretends like she’s holding a remote control and tries to fast-forward the story…who does that?

- She’s even gone so far as insulting our grandmother. Well, Muzz did fall into a garbage can when she was intoxicated quite a few years ago, but that doesn’t mean you bring it up every time you see her…unbelievable.

So don’t believe a word Janz says about the Clanceys bullying her. She throws daggers faster than anyone, and to be honest, we’re the victims.

In closing, “I’d like to butter your muffin.”
-Turbo Chet

ROCK!

So rude

The Brothers...Boom

I WILL DESTROY JANZ’S BLOG.
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